Monday, June 16, 2008

Movie Review: The Incredible HULK

Honestly not "INCREDIBLE," but not bad either...

At this point, nobody fucking cares about what I think about the latest big-screen installment /version of the “Incredible HULK.”

I don’t care. I enjoyed it and I want to talk about it. Especially that last part.

Let’s see now… screw Ang Lee… I didn’t see “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Faggot,” nor did I catch the fag-fest “Broke-Ass Mountain, ” so despite the extremely positive reviews of those movies, which supposedly gave Mr. Ang (or is it Mr. Lee?) the gravitas and street cred to try and give Marvel’s Jolly Green Giant the ultimate new age make-over by making him/it “sensitive.” I join the multitudes who wish to relegate that pathetic episode as a sad and ignored dream in the annals (or anals) of superhero movie-making. (see image of Gumby-on-Steroids, below)
So yes, it sucked. The only thing it had going for it was Jennifer Connelly, who was little more than eye candy there, and Nick Nolte who was just fresh off his police mug shot back then.

Eric Bana was in “Troy” even after riding Ang Lee’s brokeback, so Mr. Bana should thank his Trojan gods…

Oookay... where was I? not that anybody cares, but hey… my blog…

The film kicks off as some sort of sequel to the disaster that was the 2003 “Hulk,” and dutifully skips the whole origin part, thereby allowing the talented Mr. Norton give Mr. Bana the finger and go with the whole Bill Bixby bit of being on the run, while taking anger management classes in South America.

Now get this, Norton works at a bottled drink factory which accidentally had one bottle infected with his radioactive blood, and the U.S. army finds him! I mean, I can imagine the intel report:

“Sir, Mr. Stan Lee, who is credited with creating a ton of superheroes just got poisoned by a bottled drink, which appears to be radioactive after we’ve ruled out rat piss, rat shit, cat shit, poisonous insects, or Ang Lee’s spit as he may possible feel spite towards Mr. Stan Lee, because of the big flop that was the previous version of this movie, sir!”

“Could’ve been radioactive spider shit, officer…”

“No, sir! It’s definitely the Hulk, sir! Don’t’ screw with the script, Mr. William Hurt, sir! The drink has been traced to a factory in South America, sir! Where nothing is radioactive except for Mr. Norton’s blood, sir!”

* * * * *


Liv Tyler has always been a darling to me especially after those tear-jerking “goodbye-daddy” looks she did so much in “Armageddon.” But she seems to have gained quite a few pounds since then. But if only for still being pretty, and most especially for being the daughter of rock god Steve Tyler, Miss Tyler will always be sexy to me. And she looks smarter than Jennifer Connelly…

But while this movie didn’t have me howling and laughing in my seat like the flight scenes in “Iron Man,” Edward Norton did enough to carry the movie along despite whatever implausibilities the plot might have (please see the imagined exchange between officers above…). He brooded around just enough, he had that love-struck puppy stretch, a sense of humor about not being about to get laid, and is more convincing as a brainy professor than beefcake Bana.

I also liked the Hulk’s green color this time around. It wasn’t candy green, but more of “sick skin” green, which is somewhat more in the “real world pallete.” The jab at the purple pants was cool, too…

At this point, Marvel guessed right if they thought that the previous “Hulk” was such a forgettable flop that no one would care about making direct comparisons, and might no longer be able to, unless they want to go through the ridiculously pretentious “sensitive” Hulk movie again via DVD. Of course, someone who actually bought a DVD of Ang Lee’s “Hulk” deserves the pain of seeing it again.

The DVD’s of Ang Lee’s “Hulk” deserve their share of room in the Mexican landfill that contains Atari’s stupid E.T. game cartridges.

The best part about this new “Hulk” affair is that near the end, Norton almost appears to be enjoying his Hulk persona (even before the final scene). And to top it all off, this version of the movie brought the Hulk back to the category it belonged to: superhero. Screw the whole “tortured monster” bit, that died along with Chris Claremont’s X-Men. This is the age when one lives with the shit one is dealt and stops moping about it. Here, Norton’s Hulk was deliberately doing the work of the good guys. Not just doing things where people just gasp and think: “He’s friendly! He didn’t hurt the other guys!” and so on… Here, he’s there to help get rid of the bad guy (the Abomination), creatively slap his hands together to create a wind pocket to kill a fire, and go back to beating up the back guy. Just like us in the idiotic superhero-craving audience expect to see.

So I missed the Samuel L. Jackson cameo in “Iron Man,” which rolled in after all the credits. Apparently, I am not alone, and the guys at Marvel made up for it by letting Robert Downey, Jr.’s Tony Stark swagger in a bar in the end parts, and telling William Hurt about him “forming a team.” Cool.

Now I have always made it a point to tell whoever cares to listen, that I am a DC Comics fan, and that I enjoy reading about the Justice League more than the Avengers. But having said that, I will state here for whatever it’s worth that though I still believe DC dishes out more comics to my liking, they are definitely sucking at the movies. And while I’ve never cared about the Avengers as a comic book, Marvel’s got me drooling over the upcoming movie.

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