Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Not a Movie Review: Due Date (Dear Bob...)

Dear Bob,

I just want you to know that i saw “Due Date” a few weeks ago and had a decently enjoyable time. Zach “I’m-capitalizing-on-my-Jack-Black-resemblance” Galifianakis was okay, but he was seriously outclassed by you and your greatness. He had no right to be on the same goddamn screen with you, Bob.

But enough about him. Let’s talk about you. Yes, Bob. You.

Some people say he “outshone” you. The nerve. But that’s okay, Bob. This was YOUR movie, Bob. YOU are “Iron Man,” YOU are “Charlie Chaplin” personified, YOU are Rob Downey, Jr. So it’s perfectly okay if you want to make a stupid road trip movie that has no reason to exist other than to give some work to Zach (a.k.a. “Jack Black Lite”), heaven knows you don’t need the money right now.

In “Due Date,” you played Tony Stark who was a bit settled down and is expecting his first child. Also, in this movie, Tony Stark did not have his armor readily available. Otherwise, he would given Zach a nudge off with a repulsor ray and proceeded to the “Avengers” movie.

I’m waiting for the “Avengers” movie, Bob.

My wife is waiting for the “Avengers” movie. She just doesn’t know it yet. Do you have a young son? Perhaps a little boy? Less than ten years old, perhaps? Someone I might want my daughter to date?

Lemme know, Bob. Lemme know.

‘catch you later.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

The Alien Truth About Gloria Macapagal Arroyo

The headline on the Philippine Daily Inquirer yesterday (December 8, 2010) is another sign towards the validation of the gay relationship between Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne (a.k.a. Superman and Batman), as well as its consummation.

Their love child is GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO.

The headline today shows that Gloria’s fantastic master stroke of installing that guy Corona as chief justice before she leaves MalacaƱang is evidence of the genius she inherited from Batman, while the rest of the erstwhile presidential term has proven that she has Superman-thick skin all over tiny mole-ridden body with the breast implants. Said master stroke has made her impervious to any attack from the current or any future administration of the Philippine government.

GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO is a super-being carried to term in the Kryptonian womb of Kal-El (as Clark Kent is known in his native planet of Krypton). I have come to this conclusion in observing that since regular Earth males like Bruce Wayne (a.k.a. Batman) have not shown signs of really getting pregnant (testosterone-laced females with facial hair and little-boy biceps do not count). Thus, it MUST be Superman who carried the child. After all, we know nothing about the inner workings of Kryptonian physiques.

The United States Department of Defense, or National Security, or Anti-Koreans, (or whatever it is they come up every other time) can save a lot of money by hiring Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and throwing her at the commies. If her long presidential term is any sign, she is practically guaranteed to cause a LOT of trouble.

And best (or worst) of all, GLORIA MACAPAGAL ARROYO will survive. Guaranteed.

‘catch you later.*