Delayed Movie Review: Captain America (Bye-Bye, Miss American Pie... Hellooooo, Avengers...!)

hurry up with the
movie, already...
everyone's waiting for
the trailer where they
can see Bob Downey!

Chris Evans, formerly known as Johnny Storm a.k.a. the “Human Torch” has been refitted with another superhero costume. This time, his all-American beach-blond apple pie-ness gets him dressed up as Captain America. Based on the comics, he pretty much looked the part. And his vanilla good guy-ness seems almost perfect to play vanilla superhero Captain America.

Like most of my reviews, you guys can forget about finding a plot synopsis here. Look here instead… or here even... or perhaps here…

Back yet? Good… let’s talk…

Hayley Atwell succeeds in making a military uniform sexy. Probably because of her well-endowed assets, but also probably because of that Brit accent.  Early on, I was half-expecting Hugo Weaving (who plays the Red Skull) to suddenly sneer: “Mr. Anderson…!” But no, he didn’t. Stanley Tucci is always a joy to watch, and him playing off Tommy Lee Jones' standard typecasting as a gruff old veteran works out pretty well.

The thing about "Captain America" that strikes me the most was how they justified the creation of the stoooopid flag-themed cheerleader uniform into something that was part of a sepia-tinged war propaganda without making the character seem queer in his choice of outfit.

Marvel seems to have found an effective standard template for their movies, wherein they choose an era/period, then splice in the superheroes and sci-fi to funky up the genre… then VOILA… interesting superhero flick with a period twist. It worked for X-Men First Class, it will work for Captain America.

News flash: it did.

‘catch you later.

P.S. the best part was the Easter egg trailer… AVENGERS ASSEMBLE…!

i know what i really need now...
it's war time, and i will invent
the push-up, wired bra for e-cuppers
and make a fortune!!!!

Delayed Movie Review: Thor (Why Chris Hemsworth Must Die)

For the record, i was once ripped. Totally.

Just to get that out of my once-ripped chest.

I have a stinking suspicion that Chris Hemsworth is not a real human being. His uncanny resemblance to a certain Mr.Pitt suggests that he is a clone. Hence, all these drooling women are fools, and the clones must die or expire into a puddle of Australian goo. Chris Hemsworth must die.

I have also started hearing some buzz from the unenlightened that the Hemsworth performance as Thor seems to be at par with that of the great Bob Downey Jr. as Iron Man. That is pure blasphemy. Bob as Iron Man is unparalleled except by the late Chiristopher Reeve as Superman. But Reeve gets handicap points for his spinal cord injury and the fact that he has kicked his bucket. So Bob now remains in his own stratosphere.

Grand sets, nuanced performances, and Sir Anthony Hopkins turn the cosmic/mythic/fish-out-of-water schtick into a story that simply works. Screw realism, this is a superhero movie that was entirely in clear and present danger of turning into "Clash of the Nordic Titans" but pulled it off quite nicely.

The guys at DC can take notes here and finally get their Wonder Woman project out of the shelf and off the fucking ground.

'catch you later.

Movie Review: The Green Hornet (Worth the Buzz...)

“I need a sidekick. I will begin to look for a short, Chinese man,” I said.

My wife gave me a blank look and silence in return.

“A short, Chinese man,” I repeated.

Same look. Same silence.

“A SHORTER, Chinese man, then...?”

Same silence, but this time, her eyes rolled upwards.

* * * * * * * *

The above is the aftermath of our movie date that included Seth Rogen’s “The Green Hornet,” last Friday evening. I don’t remember genuinely laughing at a superhero movie like last Friday evening.

Seth Rogen made the Green Hornet cool.

* * * * * * * *

Seth Rogen stars as Britt Reid, a bumbling party-boy scion of a media mogul who was murdered for being a principled newspaperman. He then inherits his father’s media empire, including a short genius Asian/Chinese butler named Kato. Kato built his own cappuccino machine, war vehicles that look like vintage cars, gas guns and more, all the while not caring to run to the patent office to get rich from all that. I guess Kato’s not much of a genius after all. But then again, the Chinese never really cared about intellectual property anyways. So Kato chooses to become the good Asian servant and bow his Asian head down to serve the American man Italian cappuccino and an American breakfast of chopped fruit most likely cut using American branded knives that were manufactured in China.

Of course, it’s easy to assume racist undertones in a movie character conceived back in the Art Deco America of the 1900’s. Tall, rich white guy... short Asian guy slaving for him... Asian guy not getting the sexy white chick... I mean, if Kato was black, Eddie Murphy would have enough racist stand-up material to revive his zombie career. But no, Asians will not do racially-charged stand-up and get a major movie career in the U.S. of A. Deportation is not an option here.

So Reid uses his father’s newspaper to create hype for his newly-minted “Green Hornet” persona to gain street cred and supposedly tear the underworld down from the inside. Except that without his Asian genius sidekick, Reid is nothing more than a spoiled pudgy white brat who can’t do shit to save his American life. Please be reminded that we are talking about movie characters here, not countries per se.

A few entertainingly bumbling fights scenes, gratuitous destruction of property and predictable character epiphanies later, everyone lives happily ever after.

* * * * * * * *

Now, I will exact revenge on the Americans and find myself a Caucasian midget who will be my superhero sidekick, and make a movie out of it. But i will save people money by not showing it in 3D when it has no right, nor need to be, like “The Green Hornet.” We only caught the 3D showing because it was a full half an hour earlier than the 2D one.

But yes, i loved it. Although i honestly don’t see a franchise coming.
‘catch you later.

Not a Movie Review: Due Date (Dear Bob...)

Dear Bob,

I just want you to know that i saw “Due Date” a few weeks ago and had a decently enjoyable time. Zach “I’m-capitalizing-on-my-Jack-Black-resemblance” Galifianakis was okay, but he was seriously outclassed by you and your greatness. He had no right to be on the same goddamn screen with you, Bob.

But enough about him. Let’s talk about you. Yes, Bob. You.

Some people say he “outshone” you. The nerve. But that’s okay, Bob. This was YOUR movie, Bob. YOU are “Iron Man,” YOU are “Charlie Chaplin” personified, YOU are Rob Downey, Jr. So it’s perfectly okay if you want to make a stupid road trip movie that has no reason to exist other than to give some work to Zach (a.k.a. “Jack Black Lite”), heaven knows you don’t need the money right now.

In “Due Date,” you played Tony Stark who was a bit settled down and is expecting his first child. Also, in this movie, Tony Stark did not have his armor readily available. Otherwise, he would given Zach a nudge off with a repulsor ray and proceeded to the “Avengers” movie.

I’m waiting for the “Avengers” movie, Bob.

My wife is waiting for the “Avengers” movie. She just doesn’t know it yet. Do you have a young son? Perhaps a little boy? Less than ten years old, perhaps? Someone I might want my daughter to date?

Lemme know, Bob. Lemme know.

‘catch you later.

Movie Review: Megamind (3D Movie, 2D Characters...)

Saw Megamind. Liked it. It’s a movie of superhero what-ifs. Simple as that. Someone took the basic foundations of the Superman lore and twisted things a bit. So taking the veiled analogues off and we get:

• A Lex Luthor one wants to root for
• An insufferable Superman who finally wants to retire and finds a way to do so
• Lois Lane ending up with Lex Luthor
• Jimmy Olsen finally showing people how he really feels about Supes (and Lois)
• And finally, we get Brainiac as an adorable alien puffer fish.

Funky little tidbit is that the Jimmy Olsen character is called “Hal Stewart.” Most likely a nod to the two alter-egos of Green Lantern, Hal Jordan and John Stewart. Another solid tidbit is that Bob Downey, Jr. was supposed to have signed up to voice Megamind, but the role went to Ferrell due to Bob’s schedule conflicts. Bob was mostly likely busy shooting “Due Date,” which i also saw.

Ooh, and there’s a Donkey Kong tribute in there for geekazoids like yours truly. Comic book geek me loved the movie, by the way.

Main characters voiced by Will Ferrell, Brad Pitt, Ben Stiller and the geeksexy Tina Fey.

‘catch you later.

Movie Review: The Other Guys (I Got Dumber, But Laughed My Dying Brains Out)

There’s something about knowing Will Ferrell’s going to be in a movie that makes one want to switch off one’s brain to avoid any further damage.

But one would want to go see it nonetheless.

And having Marky Mark... Oops, Mark WAHLBERG, Samuel L. Jackson and the Rock... oops, I mean, DWAYNE JOHNSON, and Michael Keaton all along for the ride almost makes one just want to come jump into the boys’ party.

“The Other Guys” is set up like another stereotypical mismatched cops buddy movie, and that’s what it unabashedly is. It has no pretentions of becoming anything else other than a mindless attempt at getting you mindless. But it’s obvious that the cast is having fun, and it shines through from Ferrell’s standard-issue self-deprecation, to Wahlberg’s deadpan pseudo-seriousness.

Imagine the writing session on this one: “Boys, screw the plot, and come up with a series of ‘where the fuck did THAT come froms?’”

Yes, i loved it.

‘catch you later.

Movie Review: The Social Network (Revenge of the Nerds: The Gazillions Sequel)

Okay... so stop me from performing another of the 25 billion most obvious forms of vindication for Mark Zuckerberg’s MONEY... i’m guessing a good chunk of the zillion people who’ve seen the Facebook movie “The Social Network” readily went home, popped their computers open, and began writing about the Facebook movie on... wait for it... FACEBOOK. They proceed to reaffirm why Mark Zuckerberg and company are making a lot of MONEY.

So, in a new millennium version of “Revenge of the Nerds Part 60-something,” the eponymous “nerds” in the movie not only get kicked around in the early part of the movie, then make idiots of the jocks (the twins), and get the girls, but they also make truckloads of MONEY. Of course, a few things here and there are twisted to make a more interesting movie from what is most likely a rather boring story about a nerd who screwed his best friend over and made MONEY. Yes, MONEY.

Entertaining movie, but i won’t take the story as gospel, and neither am i scampering to start my own internet company in the hopes of making MONEY. And i have nothing more entertainingly insulting to say, so i’ll stop right here and go back to working to somehow make a little bit of... money. (nope, not in ALL CAPS.)

‘catch you later.

Delayed Movie Review: EAT PRAY LOVE (PIG-OUT, THINK, FUCK)

Julia Roberts’ character finds herself in a mid-life crisis, then proceeds to travel across the world “in search of herself.” She proceeds to PIG-OUT on pasta in Italy, MEDITATE her brains to oatmeal in India, and FUCK her brains out with a guy who almost killed her in Indonesia.

A lady who finds herself broke blows off what’s left of her money by travelling around the globe and reminding the movie-going public why the rest of the world sees white people as too indulgent. I mean, flying to Italy for a taste of dolce vita is all good, but is India the only place where one finds God? Does God hate deodorant or something? And just because Indonesia is overpopulated (just like most other Southeast Asian countries), doesn’t necessarily mean people there are hornier. Word of advice for people who want to "find themselves," is for them to look in a mirror.

Not really a REALLY bad movie, save for the occasional heavy-handedness. And the male co-stars at every turn in Roberts’ globe-spanning do a good job of playing off the almost-neurotic character played by Roberts. And so the book’s movie potential really lies in the perfect formula of female introspection, exotic locales, and getting Julia Roberts to play the lead character.

Of course, the ultimate indecisive psychosis of the biographical Elizabeth Gilbert character can really be fixed by another set of three words: PSYCHO ANALYTIC THERAPY

'catch you later.

Movie Review: Despicable Me (The title was a dead give-away...)

Ran to the mall with the wife to catch the night’s screening of “Despicable Me” last Wednesday, after settling Marge at the house right after coming back down from the Boon Docks...

“Despicable Me,” stars the perfectly capable Steve Carrell as Dr Gru, a supervillain in need of a major caper, a shrink ray that’s made in China (most likely), and a bank loan from a place claiming to formerly be the Lehman Brothers. Dr. Gru, who employs one human inventor and a horde of yellow critters (referred to as “minions”) who look like Mike Wazowski’s dumber cousins, adopts orphans to help him pull a caper and end up getting his supervillain heart all gooey and totally melted by the adorable, one-dimensional 3D animated children.

And yes folks, save for a few obligatory kinks, that up there really is practically the entire plot...

We were amused, entertained, and humoured. But it didn’t break any new ground. And though it may have been done in 3D animation, i must say that i found Carrell much more animated back in “Date Night.”

And while i may not necessary see myself stumbling upon myself running to a cineplex to the sequel, i DO see myself buying a few of those cute yellow minions for me and Marge.

...and no, the wife will not want one. But yes, she did like the movie.

‘catch you later.

P.S. Am currently in Plantation Bay in Cebu. Here to attend the wedding of a friend in Marco Polo on Sunday. Body feels stiff and tired after Marge begged for repeated runs on one of the pool slides.
It's 2-fucking-AM and I'm sleepy, but cannot sleep.
There's a breakfast buffet that isn't included in the loser-ish deal the wife booked with the travel agency.
Not sure i'll be awake in time for it.
Am debating with myself whether or not to believe the book article that's brainwashing me to blow almost a couple of G's for a supposedly "addictive" massage tomorrow...

Movie Review: Mamarazzi (Funny, but wrong on so many levels...)

After a mind-blowing pop-corn session with a downloaded version of “Wanted,” the wife and i decided to skip “Salt,” Angelina Jolie’s latest superspy vehicle. And seeing as how local cinema needs a boost, we decided to see the funny Eugene Domingo’s “Mamarazzi.”

And man... some things never change...

The title seemed immediately creative, but seemed to have very little to do with the story. You can find the plot (sans spoilers) here.  Anyways, i “learned” the following from this movie:

1. Andi Eigenmann is such a huge star (not) that they had to go through the lengths of duplicating her for no reason that can help the story other than to let director Joel Lamangan play with the effect.

2. Eugene Domingo is a really good actress and is genuinely funny, but she really needs a better supporting cast, which John “Sweet” Lapuz provides, but everyone else doesn’t.

3. Diether Ocampo’s character needs to have his eyes checked. If i looked half of Diether Ocampo and i suddenly find myself a widower, i will not look for Eugene Domingo.  His character is thinner than the paper they use to wrap candies in Japan. He didn’t copulate with Eugene Domingo’s character (spoiler!), so how can he (and Eugene) even walk into the scenes with a straight face. Oh, right... it’s for a manufactured plot twist. Geez.

4. Carla Abellana is really cute. I think GMA just screwed up in casting Geoff Eigenmann opposite her in “Rosalinda.” But if she bides her time, she will be a much bigger star.  Funny how she isn't as tall as i thought she was from the "Rosalinda" posters.

5. It’s okay for a desperate woman to look for a one-night stand to get pregnant (are we seriously teaching/showing this to our children?), as long as she can feed, clothe, and educate her upcoming children. We have a 2-year old daughter, and we are afraid that our once-conservative people is now championing something like this.

6. Drag queens must be encouraged. Now this is an odd one for me. I have a handful of gay friends and a multitude of gay acquaintances who are quite respectable and do their craft well, whatever craft it may be. But i’ve always been of the mind that gay people really ought to come out of their respective little closets, but i wish they would stop thinking they are female because they are not. Gay people are men/boys who prefer to be intimate with other men, but they are not female. They will never be female. Drag is not the way, dudes.

7. If you have a star in the caliber of Eugene Domingo supported by someone as talented as John Lapuz, everyone else is a cardboard standee meant to meaninglessly crowd the screen.

8. Regal films will never outgrow the song and dance number somewhere through every movie.

9. It wasn’t totally bad, but it could have been better given the talent it had.

*Yawn...*

‘catch you later...

Movie Review: The Expendables (Everything's expendable... even the plot)

It was a movie that made me feel so “man” for seeing it, but so “un-man” for being a teeny weeny Asian imagining myself in a losing brawl with Dolph Lungdren.

Considering the physical shape the guys in the movie were in, I was almost tempted to believe much of the movie was CGI... i mean, many of their biceps were gigantic enough to be considered separate cast members.

Of course, i didn’t go there looking for a plot, and the wifey was resigned to the fact that the flick was going to be just another adrenaline ride, and just a wee bit more hearing damage.

Jason Statham totally owned the movie, Sly Stallone was just really having fun with it (even bringing in his Planet Hollywood buddies, Bruce Willis and Ah-nuld the Governator for cameos that did nothing for the story. Waitaminit... there was no story to begin with anyways... but i digress...), Mickey Rourke mistakenly thought he was expected to do some serious acting, Jet Li’s script was probably written by Russell Peters, or some other racist a-hole, and everyone else probably did acting workshops in the gym with dumbbells. Operative word being “dumb.”

But yes, i totally enjoyed the ride, and i’d come back for a sequel. Oh, and so should Van Damme.

‘catch you later.

Movie Review: Inception (All in my head...)

Saw inception last week. Actually saw the first 45 minutes a whole week before that. But we called home and found out that Marge was hitting 38-point-something on the thermo, so we dropped the movie and headed home.

Ho-hum...

Here’s the synopsis that i don’t care to repeat: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inception_(film)

On second viewing, the first part of Inception was easier to absorb and sort of made sense on a mechanical level. The plot trigger though, where Ken Watanabe commissions Leo DiCaprio’s “Dream Team” (pun intended) to plant an idea into the head of Cillian Murphy’s Robert Fischer to avoid a supposed energy monopoly is paper thin.

The monkeywrench on the plot being the unpredictable appearances of the gorgeous Marion Cotilliard throw off Leo’s supposed leadership of his little crew is amusing and ultimately heart-wrenching. But again, someone like Ken Watanabe’s character who was supposedly powerful enough to get Leo through immigration with just one phone call probably didn’t need to have some over-slept dream mercenaries deal with a weakling like Robert Fischer.

And where’s Freddy Krueger in all this?

After Ellen Page’s visually spectacular initiation into the dream world, i was expecting a lot more eye candy, but didn’t get it. Still, the film was engaging and DiCaprio has proven himself yet again as a good lead. Is it just me, or is Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who plays his sidekick Arthur, an absolute dead ringer for the recently-departed Heath Ledger?

And somewhere in the halls of Malacañang, Pres. Noynoy is thinking of calling up Leo DiCaprio to try and get into Gloria Arroyo's brain... Leo and his ragtag crew will then run into sick scenes of Gloria having dwarf sex with her rumored bigotilyo baby Nani Perez, while Miguel Arroyo looks on...

Box office conquests aside, with a more convincing plot device, Inception has the potential for something much greater than what it ultimately did storywise. For better or worse, i hope Chris Nolan does a sequel... with Freddy Krueger.

‘catch you later...

Movie Review: Shrek Forever After (Green Means Going... Away Now)

Hey, i almost forgot i saw “Shrek 4”... published as “Shrek Forever After.”

That’s good in that it wasn’t bad enough for me remember it was crappy, like i did “Shrek 3.” But i suppose it wasn’t good enough for me to remember either.

So in my pointless quest to document the droll details of my pathetic existence, i offer up my review of “Shrek 4”...

The movie starts off with Shrek enjoying/enduring the joys/pains of his domestically developing life, finds himself fed up, makes a deal with Rumplestiltskin (who is the only new fairy tale-based character throughout the movie), then turns the a few minutes of the movie into “Groundhog Shrek,” then Rumple proceeds to wreak some regular supervillain havoc and subjects our cast of ogres and faerie creatures into an alternate reality. Naturally, Shrek saves the day and they live the usual “happily ever after.”

So “Shrek 4” doesn’t have the novelty of “Shrek 1,” the soap opera drama of “Shrek 2,” thankfully none of the forced superhero pastiche of “Shrek 3,” but what it had the most of compared to all the rest was heart. Where “Shrek” movies at its core is really the love story of Shrek and Fiona, “Shrek 4” really tugged at the right strings and reminded an old man like yours truly why the “Shrek” franchise is enduring as much as it has.  Antonio Banderas' "Puss in Boots" steals the show... again.

There. Now i have to schedule therapy to stop myself from overusing these lame “quotation marks.”

‘catch you later.

Movie Review: Iron Man 2 (Not Even a Slightly Weaker Movie can Bring Downey Down...)

The first time I saw Iron Man 2, i was having a bad day. The day was so bad, that i spent the time in the cinema sulking with my eyes staring down on the pop corn.

Every once in a while, i found myself trying to glimpse the screen...

For one, it certainly FELT like an Iron Man movie, but somehow... err... anyways...

Saw the movie again last weekend, and my fears were confirmed. It really wasn’t as good as the first movie. But then again, very few sequels really do measure up. 

At some point, i imagined that the first Iron Man movie was so damn good, that they picked up a lot of old footage off the cutting room floor, added a few new scenes, digitally added Scarlett Johansson (who was abso-tively scorchingly hot) and Don Cheadle, pasted everything together, then called it Iron Man 2.

But i digress...

The most common mistake of sequels is the assumption that with all the groundwork for the character already laid out, they can just assume to proceed making a movie thinking that just making things bigger will end up being better. Or at the very least, the audience will be so overwhelmed with all the bombastic beefiness of the new movie that the thinness of the current movie’s story will be forgiven.

Sadly, it usually is.

On a lighter note, Bob Downey has totally cemented himself as Tony Stark. And where many actors who occupy comic book roles sleepwalk through their roles, probably thinking that the comics will fill in the cracks in their depiction, Downey took the ball, made a touchdown, ran around the field with the Tony Stark persona, and put himself in the same category as Adam West was to Batman.

In related feedback, Don Cheadle totally did not fit the superhero mold. I have absolute respect for Don Cheadle as an actor, but i kept thinking Terence Howard would have made for a better War Machine...

But hey, still not a bad movie by most standards. And yes, it’s still a Downey movie.

Triple Header Movie Review: “Clash of a Kick-Ass Date”

How many movies can a regular working guy with a life cram into a single week?

THREE.

Last week saw me and the wife catching “Clash of the Titans,” “Date Night,” and “Kick-Ass.”

Every movie had a reason for me to see it. “Clash...” was a remake of the old classic that i had a Betamax tape of a lifetime ago, and i was curious as hell as to how good the thing would look given today’s available bag of FX tricks... “Date...” had Tina Fey. ‘nuff said. “Kick-Ass” was a superhero movie. Again, ‘nuff said.

So on to my pointless reviews!

“Clash of the Not-so-Titanic...”

I stayed away from the forums and the advance reviews on “Clash...,” and strode into the cinema holding an almost three-decade set of memories containing the booming voice of the late great Laurence Olivier as Zeus, glimpses of the gorgeous Ursula Andres as Aphrodite, the annoyingly indelible visions of Harry Hamlin shaking his 80’s style wild hair as Perseus, and the gratuitous nude bath/sacrifice scene of Judi Bowker’s Andromeda character, which I admit I rewound and replayed in the occasional absence of real porn cassettes.

And while i came into “Clash 2010” knowing this was a supposed remake, i found it quite... derivative.

Firstly, despite the gazillions most likely spent on the effects, it didn’t have quite the grandeur of the first “Clash.” Secondly, they totally screwed up the story and had to make it a “man vs. gods” story that it didn’t have to be... and while i find Bond-gal Gemma Arterton swelteringly hot in a greek-style toga/tunic, i found her character to have been totally shoe-horned in there as a convenient escape hatch for plot problems, without the gratuitous nudity that 80’s movies were so fond of...

The Medusa fight looked like salvaged from the cutting room of Jon Voight’s “Anaconda.” Okay, so the nod to the robot owl from “Clash of 1981” was quirky, but Sam Worthington sometimes looked like he was trying to remember which movie he was actually making this time... and Liam Neeson looked so bored, i wouldn’t have been surprised if he was rehearsing his “A-Team” script in his “Clash” trailer...

Can’t wait for them to ruin THOSE memories... Time to look for a DVD of the “Clash of 1981”...

“Whatta... Date Night”

Wife asked what was in the movie... i said, “Tina Fey, and the 40-Year-Old Virgin...” so she said, “Okay... can’t be too bad...”

Next thing i remember is the wifey laughing her ass off at the dumb car chase...

Tina Fey and Steve Carrell play a suburban couple who are living a nice, but routine life. On the one night they decide to hit the Big Apple and do something different, they didn’t realize just how different the night would end up to be.

After losing their patience waiting for a table at a swank new resto, they claim a table reservation that turns out to have been reserved by crooks. They get mistaken for the crooks, and all hell breaks loose.

Fey and Carrell are totally in their element here, and the producers have competently surrounded them with a cast of losers and oddballs that enhance their characters... most notable of whom is Marky Mark, oops... ‘scuse me... Mark Wahlberg... who turns in a hilariously deadpan performance as a security expert who Fey flirts with, but end up helping save their asses...

One is not expected to oil the gears in one’s brain to enjoy “Date Night.” But one is expected to sit back, laugh his/her ass off, and finally understand how Steve Carrell made dorky the new cool, and why Tina Fey made smart the new sexy.

Cutting room bits thrown into the credits add just the right cherry on top of a real sweet treat.

I want a sequel...

“Kick-Ass Kicked half an ass...”

Stop it, fanboys... i am NOT shitting on the flick...

I liked it... can’t say i loved it... but i liked it...

The posters with Nic Cage in a Batman wannabe suit, along with 3 other characters, including the title character, totally... well... kicked ass... the posters were funny. Quite so, that i was expecting a totally funny movie in the vein of the Ben Stiller vehicle “Mystery Men.” I didn’t get it.

What i got instead was an odd comic-book movie that was promoted to be a comedy, but turned to be a (literally) bloody pastiche of what happens when Batman schools Spidey...

Aaron Johnson plays Dave Lizewski, a typical patsy teenager who does what a ton of us have surely dreamt of doing sometime after puberty. He puts on a suit and pretends to be a superhero calling himself “Kick-Ass.” On one occasion, before getting totally pulped, he is saved by some real super characters in the form of Chloë Grace Moretz’s “Hit-Girl” and Nic Cage’s “Big Daddy.”

Teenage angst and some requisite supervillain posturing ensue, and we are left with a door wide open for a sequel.

The earnestness of Aaron Johnson as the title character will win fanboys over for sure, and Nic Cage’s deadpan rendition of Big Daddy makes you want to root for him and forget he ever made “Ghost Rider.” Moretz was a total discovery and wonderful revelation, and her chemistry with Nic Cage makes you want to forgive Nic Cage for making “Ghost Rider”...

The movie’s biggest achievement is answering my personal “what if” in connection to childhood delusions of superheroism...

At least he got the girl...

-------------------------------------------------------

‘catch you later...

Movie Review: The Book of Eli (slowly turning the pages...)

Saw “the Book of Eli” a couple of weeks ago...

Just felt like putting this shit down before the rest of the movie fades out of my sad, jumbled brain...

By this time, anyone who cares to read this should already be aware of the post-apocalyptic plotline of “Eli.” They’re pretty vague about what brought about the “end of the world” scenario... either a solar flare or something nuclear... waitaminit... a solar flare IS nuclear... but i digress...

Our man Denzel Washington is a man who fights like a superhero, who should’ve been sent to go after the chainsaw massacre guy in Texas... has a supposed mission to keep heading west to deliver something that is given away by the title of the movie. We are assuming that he is meant to deliver “the Book of Eli.” Clever, huh? Could’ve been...

Along the way, Denzel runs into one Mad Max reject after another, then finds himself taking refuge in a nice little town (what passes for nice in those supposed times anyways...). Negotiates for water, turns down sex with Mila Kunis (of “That 70’s Show” fame), and pisses Gary Oldman off while he’s doing all that.

Somehow, it isn’t surprising to find that the hot item “Book of Eli” is a copy of the Christian Bible. But Gary Oldman’s long-winded desperation to find it to turn it into a power-tripper’s campaign how-to book is thinner than Nic Cage’s hair.

There’s a “Sixth Sense” style twist in the end that does absolutely nothing for the story except make you wonder about everything he did, and how he was able to supposedly do them. Not a bad movie as Denzel always turns in a solid performance. But it's not an unenjoyable movie, one just has to have pop corn on hand, and totally not forget that this is a work of fiction, and is not meant to change the world.

Oh, and Malcolm McDowell is always creepy... will be catching “Clash of the Titans” within the next couple of days... yeah... !

‘catch you later.

Movie Review: Alice in Wonderland (My Cup of Tea...)

Ham and cheese... Starsky and Hutch... Bill Medley and Bobby Hatfield... pop corn and soda... Tim Burton and Johnny effing Depp... some things just make magic when put together.

Given the level that CGI is at this point, it was about bloody time someone did Lewis Caroll’s satirical fantasy. Having Tim Burton pick up the gauntlet was crazy-great enough, but him bringing along his usual gang of suspects from buddy Depp, bed buddy Helena Bonham Carter, and Timothy Spall, with help from Alan Rickman, Anna Hathaway, Stephen Fry and Hollywood’s favourite weirdo, Crispin Glover... man... Burton just had a field day.

It isn’t really that surprising when one thinks about it. Between the stop-motion animated movies to Edward Scissorhands to Beetlejuice and everything else between the cracks, Burton has practically given his audience bits and pieces of what would be his Wonderland.

But i don’t think i can say anything that hasn’t really been said before. Since the love triangle of Burton, Depp and Carter has so many geeky fans that there are a gazillion blog reviews out there. And yes, i am putting this one down a whole two weeks after seeing the movie to join said geeky fans and reaffirm my geeky coolness factor.

Johnny Depp playing the Mad Hatter is cool as always, but Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen totally rocked. She obviously had so much fun here, it was a joy every time she was on screen. And yes, Mia Wasikowska (what the hell is UP with that name...?) as the eponymous “Alice” was absolutely brilliant.

Am i geeky cool now...?

‘catch you later.

Double Movie Review: “Have You Heard About the Morgans?” and “Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief” (Reruns from Another Universe...)

My oh my... how time flies...

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *


“...Morgans”

There always something comforting with familiarity. And “Have You Heard About the Morgans?” the latest vehicle coasting itself on the still-remaining wattage of soon-to-be-has-been Hugh Grant, and the i’m-soon-going-to-be-too-old-to-play-Carrie-Bradshaw Sarah Jessica Parker, gives us familiarity in spades.

Hugh Grant pulls out his not-so-tired-but-all-too-familiar rabbit out of his proverbial hat by playing the puppy who ate the canary but knows he is trying to atone for it by simply being British. This is right opposite Sarah Jessica Parker, who plays a successful, but neurotic and wounded cosmopolitan career woman, whose name surprisingly isn’t Carrie Bradshaw. 

"...the movie was so dumbed down, that ...Sam Elliot, ...isn’t even hiding his boredom and disdain for the script and story..."

The above estranged couple witness a murder while trying to desperately reconcile, then is put in a witness protection program that throws them in some totally town in middle America. This then automatically allows writer/director Marc Lawrence a convenient excuse to throw in rejected jokes he must have from stolen tossed out transcripts of Billy Crystal’s “City Slickers 2” (yes, the bad sequel...). The movie was so dumbed down, that the i’ve-done-much-better-shit-than-this Sam Elliot, who plays the town’s sheriff and witness protector isn’t even hiding his boredom and disdain for the script and story. Of course, the still-hot-at-57 Mary Steenburgen, who plays Elliot’s golden-hearted cowboy wife does her usual effective wallpaper role to practically no effect. Kind of like those pretty vegetables cut up nicely like flowers in Chinese restos. They look nice, make the dish seems more appetizing with them on the side, but as soon as you start digging in, first thing you do is throw those funky things off the plate.

Hugh actually supposedly went sleeping around (in the movie, i mean...), which caused the rift between him and Carrie Bradshaw Sarah Jessica Parker’s character. But living in cowboy country seems to have dulled not only Carrie Bradshaw Sarah Jessica Parker’s brain, but has also made her more forgiving. So they live happily ever after.

Were you expecting anything else?

“Percy Jackson...”

Here’s how it may have happened... Chris Columbus just finished his 2,387th rerun of his old “Clash of the Titans” betamax tape, caught clips of “Narnia” movies on HBO while hopping to the bathroom, then took a whiff of whatever the hell he whiffs, but probably wasn’t what he was whiffing when he made “Home Alone” way back in 1990, nor his Harry Potter movies... then started work on adapting Rick Riordan’s book, “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief."

"...i couldn't shake off the feeling that i’m watching another “Harry Potter” instalment..."

To be fair, i think the movie’s limitations stem from the limitations set by its source material. And no, i haven’t read the book, nor do i plan to. But while the whole thing seems like a supposedly refreshingly modern take on sliding classic Greek mythology into some “High School Musical/Glee” demographic, i couldn't shake off the feeling that i’m watching another “Harry Potter” instalment.

And while I’m sure Pierce Brosnan just got himself a whole lifetime’s worth of “i’m a total stud” jokes after being depicted as a centaur (half-human, half-horse mythological creature... and yes, the bottom half is the horse-half...), i think he wasn’t properly utilized... but i guess i belong in an age when Mr. Brosnan was always the leading guy, and not some “Qui Gon Jinn” type of character. So sue me... Uma Thurman as Medusa was a funny turn... and while Thurman’s deadpan delivery already reached its peak back in “The Avengers,” it still seems to be fine form... and yes, she’s still beautiful even when decapitated.

I found the “brewing romance” between Percy and Athena’s supposed daughter Annabeth to be a bit forced. Or maybe i’m just getting way too old for this...

Yeah... i probably am...

‘catch you later...

Movie Review: Sherlock Holmes (Too Elementary, My Dear Watson...)

Let me get a few important things out of the way first... Bob Downey is a demi-god.
There. Now that that’s been said... let’s move forward...

The wifey and i just came home from catching a screening of the former-Mr.Madonna-directed “Sherlock Holmes,” starring the aforementioned Robert Downey, Jr. as the title character backed up more than effectively by the very capable Jude Law as the loyal Dr. Watson.

"...Law comes in nice and steady through the movie, [and] exponentially adds to the dimension... [but] Downey just totally owns everything..."

I must confess that for all my pretension of being a neo-literati of some sort, i have never, ever laid my hands on a volume of Mr. Holmes’ exploits, whether by the great Arthur Conan Doyle, or anyone else for that matter. In fact, my introduction to the concept of Sherlock was the hapless Muppet “Sherlock Hemlock” in Jim Henson’s Muppet Show (or was it Sesame Street?). So for what it’s worth, i have almost nothing to base my assumptions on as to how supposedly loyal the characterizations are. I WAS, however, at least waiting for the supposedly classic “...elementary, my dear Watson...” which i didn’t get... i wasn’t surprised at not seeing the scenes where Downey repeatedly peered through a magnifying glass...

i’ll say this again... Downey is a demi-god... whew...

But while i seriously, honestly enjoyed watching the obvious chemistry between Downey and Law, i cannot say that i enjoyed “Sherlock.” Because while Jude Law, as good an actor as he is provides an excellently sardonic counterpoint to Downey’s nonchalant, swashbuckling genius... Downey, who has exhibited his chameleon-like talents in numerous movies such as “Chaplin,” to a lesser degree “Zodiac,” and my personal favourite, “Heart and Souls,” seems to have gotten lazy this time. Either that, or Director Guy Ritchie seems to think that since Downey’s “Iron Man” was such a joomungous hit that he might as well turn in an action movie starring Iron Man, and take out the armor to stop the guys at Marvel, whose sad asses have been bought by the sadder asses at Disney from suing his much, much sadder ass...

While Jude Law comes in nice and steady through the movie, exponentially adds to the dimension already delivered by Downey, and Rachel McAdams is fetching as ever, Downey just totally owns everything. Even the scenes where Downey is absent leave the viewer just wondering when he will turn up next.

Given the potentially cerebral nature of the central character, i was half-hoping for a more psycho-thriller piece. Instead, Mr.i-screwed-madonna-like-a-thousand-other-guys Ritchie delivers a slightly generic buddy-movie action flick, which fails to maximize the potential of its two leads. And i’m almost tempted to imagine Ritchie having snuck into David Shore’s office and stole a script for “House,” then reworked it by replacing Hugh Laurie with Downey, and Robert Sean Leonard with Law, then just threw in a few excerpts from rejected James Bond scripts... then, voila... “Sherlock Holmes!”

But i’ll say this again... Downey is a demi-god...

‘catch you later...

Movie Review: In My Life (Big Apple, Big Stars, Small Movie)

The choice came down to a movie that starred a comedienne used to be known for doing impressions of Vilma Santos, or, after a long while... Vilma Santos.

White-hot funny-girl Eugene Domingo top-bills “Kimmy & Dora.” The comedy is enjoying very good word of mouth, in addition to Eugene’s reputation and/or penchant for lighting up any movie scene she’s in. But we opted for the Vilma vehicle “In My Life.”

For one thing, the wife was partly curious about the inevitable travelogue-ishness of the movie, “In My Life,” which was set in New York. It didn’t hurt that it had “Ate Vi,” who has been absent from the silver screen for quite some time now, and my infant daughter’s crush, ABS-CBN cash cow John Lloyd Cruz. And in a bit of pseudo stunt-casting, we also get Luis (formerly known as “Lucky”) Manzano playing Ate Vi’s son, and resident gay love interest for John Lloyd. Yep, they’re a gay couple in the movie.

"...there’s grit and nails all over the scene whenever [Vilma is] there..."

So in the movie, Vilma is “Shirley Templo” (methinks the joke in the character name will be wasted on many of the audience), a separated lady being convinced to sell an old house officially bequeathed to her by her late father-in-law. Knowing this, she buys herself a plane ticket (on a librarian’s salary) to see her gay son in New York, and forces herself upon his life. The writers do their hardest to show that Luis, who plays Vilma’s son, Mark is the busiest man on their side of the planet. But for the most part, Mark (a.k.a. “Lucky”) just succeeds in looking constipated most of the time.

Speaking of constipated, Vilma Santos seems to have over-acted in this movie... there’s grit and nails all over the scene whenever she’s there. Even if grit and nails aren’t necessary for the supposed scene. The forced comedy of some parts were obviously... forced.

John Lloyd Cruz plays Noel, Mark’s hard-working, multiple-job-holding illegal immigrant (a.k.a. TNT), gay lover. Noel holds many jobs, from limo driver, to housekeeper, to Vilma’s nanny. All of which seems to indicate that he’s everyone’s favourite sucker (no gay pun intended).

Despite being her most constant companion, Shirley somehow still finds it in herself to think ill of Noel. The character of Noel, who is portrayed with such natural earnestness by Cruz, that one can’t help but think that Shirley is a schizo-case who should be thrown back to the third-world country where she belongs. We later find out that Mark is suffering from Stage 1 colon cancer. And Noel is such a sucker (again, no pun intended) that he does not tell Shirley of her son’s illness just because selfsame son told him not to.

Many unexpected things happen (yes, honestly unexpected), and the characters are put in the typical Pinoy movie mandatory situations where every sentence has been designed to be spoken with grit and tears even if it seems absolutely unnecessary.

There are many instances in the movie that require a suspension of disbelief. And one has to keep reminding one’s self that considering the absolutely royal pedigree of the lead cast, along with the location shot, surely Star Cinema will pull out all the stops to produce a very tight story. Something worthy of Ate Vi’s long-awaited visit to movie-making.

"...why do our movies make heroes of illegal immigrants, who are technically felons...?"

But no, the plot’s integrity is spongy at best. I’m guessing they didn’t find enough brand sponsors to pay for better writers...

Such as, why would a glamorous-looking intelligent Filipina woman who owns an American passport stick to a job as a librarian in what looks like a public school? How come such a well-read woman (a librarian!) suddenly switches off her brain and behaves like an uncultured idiot upon stepping on U.S. soil? How come she can’t keep a steady job? Does the movie indicate that the quality of Filipinos in our local academe is of such poor quality that one cannot even hold a simple job as a waitress in the U.S. of A? And why does Tirso (a.k.a. “Pip”) Cruz III, who made a cameo, look like an endorser for Botox, smiling like someone who let Hannibal Lecter have his brains for dessert?

... and why do our movies make heroes of illegal immigrants, who are technically felons in the U.S.? all the while improperly illustrating the sad “convenience marriage” practices of our countrymen in foreign soil.

These are questions begging to be answered... But probably not by die-hard “Vilmanians.”

Luis has his moments, but will benefit from acting classes. Ate Vi has nothing left to prove, but seems to think that over-acting can make up for weak points in the script... John Lloyd... was honestly excellent. What’s admirable about the guy as an actor is that he understands that being emotional in a movie doesn’t always mean you have to start screaming at your co-stars and turning on the waterworks. He has a great gift for emotional nuances, a concept which seems to be alien to many “artistas.” And such elements make his acting that much more realistic and impactful.

Considering that the local cineplexes have been lacking in major label local productions lately, “In My Life” (or even “Kimmy & Dora”) deserves a look. If only to support a local movie industry that is not only on life support, but probably even a zombie struggling out of a morgue.

And while the movie did not leave a lasting impression on me (and probably the wife), at least i did not feel totally robbed when we walked out of the cinema.

‘Catch you later... (and catch a local movie today...)