Saturday, September 07, 2013

Letters to Maddie: Chapter 38 (Sorry i'm not there right now...)

Dear Maddie,

Hello there, Baby Girl.

It's a late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, and i'm up in our other house. The cold, lonely and empty one (most of the time, but not all the time since you guys come over sometimes).

And I'm alone. And you, Marge and mommy are down there in our "other" other house. The warm, happy one where you're gently growing up and learning how to crawl, stand and maybe walk, where your mother and your sister are fighting about homework, where dogs bark incessantly just because. And i wish i was there right now.

I apologize for not being there while you work on doing a lot of your firsts (first step, first words, and so on). I apologize for mostly being little more than this disembodied smiling face on an iPad screen most of the time. I apologize for not changing your diapers like i wish i could. I apologize for not humming you lullabies to sleep for many nights.

I apologize because i know i might miss a lot of good times with you.

When your sister was your age, and all the way until she had to start school, your mother and i dragged her infant ass around and across the northern highways back and forth while i juggled keeping Maverick running, and finding my place up here. But when she started school, she had to stay put. So when you were born, for better or worse, i could no longer drag you, Marge and your mother up and down with me like i used to. There were lots of good times there, too.

But our life is what it is. It's got its good and bad stuff. In equal parts, just like everyone else's lives do, too.

But physically there or not, i want you to know that i'm always thinking about you. You, your mom and your sister. And i want you to know that if me being up here enables me to send you guys to better schools, afford to let you learn more stuff, take you to nice places and feed you guys better food, and just plain make your life more comfortable, then being alone up here writing this is totally worth it.

That's how much i love you.

And besides, this is hardly permanent. I'll be home for another week at least in just three more days. That's three more days of missing you guys. I'll make it up to you when i get home.

See you then, Baby Girl.

'Til then, i'll be okay with this...



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