Monday, September 06, 2010

Musical "What-Ifs"

The universe is filled with “what-ifs.” Here are a few personal “what-ifs” on one of my personal favourite topics, pop music.

What if...

John Lennon & Yoko Ono
1. ...John Lennon wasn’t shot to death last 1980?
- He would have been a major presence of angst on Twitter. Ashton Kutcher would be eating his dust.
- He would probably be laughing at the many scandals of the Catholic Church.
- We would be subjected to dozens more “artsy” nude pictures of him and a wrinkly Yoko Ono.
- I will still be wearing circular-framed eye-glasses, and it will still be cool.

Mike "Bassman" McCary
2. ...Mike McCary rejoined Boyz II Men for the 20th Anniversary?
- The Boyz will still do live acapella numbers with a real bass singer, and not some overdubbed vocals.
- Big-voiced horny-dog monologues in the middle of songs will still rule over high-pitched pseudo-ghetto white boy whining.
- I will have more reason to boast that i was a bass singer in a choir back in college, and not get those blank “okay... okay...” looks from people when i say that.

Richard Page
3. ...Richard Page took on the TOTO gig?
- “Broken Wings” would have an edgier arrangement that would have made it more timeless and would still be on radio today, if only for Luke’s guitar.
- With all due respect to Luke, “I’ll be Over You” would have rocked all the more with Rich on vocals.
- The record label wouldn’t have tried shoehorning the bastard child of one of the Milli Vanilli guys and Jacko as their frontman (a.k.a. Jean Michel Byron).

Peter Cetera
4. ...Peter Cetera never left Chicago?
- We wouldn’t have to endure “Glory of Love” repeatedly for months on the radio back in 1986 since the other guys wouldn’t let him sing and play that mushy drivel.

- Peter may have balanced out the other guys and prevented the firing of Bill Champlin via email.
- Not firing Bill Champlin via email would’ve also meant Lou Pardini didn’t have to reduce himself and his awesome talents into a spare tire.

5. ...Andy Gibb didn’t die last 1988?
Andy Gibb
- The Bee Gees would be a quartet and still be making records right now since Andy might have brought Maurice to a better doctor what with Andy being a druggie and known more doctors.
- Disco would have been more drugged out since Andy will bring his drugged out fans into the Bee Gees audience.
- They would have a career resurgence in the nineties, and i would be so envious of their ridiculously exposed chest hair that i will find myself desperately shaving my sparsely-haired Asian chest and praying for a thicker regrowth.

6. ...Doug Hopkins wasn’t fired from the Gin Blossoms?
Doug Hopkins
- He may not have committed suicide, and fans like me would still be treated to melodic, depressing, alcohol-laced dirges with some of the smartest lyrics that ever got sung with electric guitars.
- I MIGHT consider branding gin as my poison of choice over vodka... but, probably not.
- They would still be soooo huge that they wouldn’t be playing in the Philippines this coming November, and fans like me wouldn’t have anything musically big to drool about.

7. ...what if i stopped this shit and went back to work...

‘catch you later.

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